Life · Personal goals · Self love

The empowerment contract 

Two years ago I made a contract with myself, to remind me of my own self- worth and values. The contract, or list, is derived of 17 statements that I find most inspiring to myself. I will list my favourites from the list, but if you would like me to include them all I will. When I’m down or feel like I’m struggling, I look back on this contract and it gives me self – love and courage. I hope this inspires people to do their own empowerment contract.

  1. I will live in the moment. Accept uncertainty. 
  2. I will let go of the past, past events and past arguments, it has shaped me into the strong woman I am today. 
  3. I will not worry about what others think, what they think of me is none of my business. 
  4. I will speak up and speak out, and allow myself to be heard. 
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Friendship · Life · relationships

The timing of awareness

Sometimes I feel like I will never meet the person who is meant for me. Practising not to feel this way on a daily basis is truly a specialised skill for me. I know this feeling won’t last forever and some days I feel more positive about the outcome, but other days this thought consumes me and fills me with anxiety and dread. 

Writing these words bring up a lot of emotions and thoughts for me, maybe it’s admitting my fear openly and being raw for everyone to see, even if you don’t know who I am. However, that’s the whole point of creating this blog. 

Today on my mind is: what do you do when you like a person, but it’s the wrong timing? 

I used to think that there was never a ‘wrong time’ to meet someone, you either made it work… or it was some bullshit excuse and you didn’t. There was really no in between for me. 

I’m going to go in depth about Danny, whilst keeping his personal information private (see last post.) Last night we had dinner together, and he helped me out with something I had to do for my job. I hadn’t seen him properly in a while and we didn’t really talk at all during the week. He suddenly went quiet and had this glazed expression on his face. His green eyes were fixed on something transparent on the wall behind me. “What’s wrong?” I asked Danny, knowing that he was thinking about her. “I just thought I wouldn’t be doing my job application on my own, you know? She’s meant to be here.” Then we delved into a serious discussion about our past, whether he should ring her or not, and how hard it is not to talk to someone and their family that you still love. I gave him a hug at the end of the discussion. I wanted to take away the visible pain he was feeling emotionally and physically at that point. 

I am not a selfish person at all, but that night when I was in bed drinking my camomile tea, I thought, “well, what about me? What about my feelings?” 

I definitely have feelings for Danny. He makes me open up and express myself in a way that only my close friends can. We’ve slept together, and although we don’t sleep together anymore, we still have intimate conversations, like the one above. I know he likes me, even more than a friend too, I can see in the way he looks at me sometimes, but he needs to learn to love himself again and get over her before thinking of being with another woman. 

I am thinking of joining Tinder again, just to break away from him a fraction, but the thought of going on that ridulous website frustrates me. I want to meet someone in the street who I instantly click with… but does that even happen anymore? When I think about meeting someone I like, my mind goes back to Danny. 
I cannot wait for him, all I can do at the moment is be a good friend, someone he can trust to rely on to talk openly about his feelings. Even after he gets over her, I don’t know if he would want to ruin our friendship, I have seen that he is on a dating website. Now I believe that you can meet someone at the wrong time. 
Photo by @hiddenheartbreak

Friendship · Life · relationships

The push and pull effect 

I’ve met someone in Australia. It happened the first day I was searching for one bedroom apartments with my friend who was there to drive me around and give me support. I saw him with his man – briefcase and his big, bright green eyes. He looked exactly like Danny Zuko from Grease. The apartment we viewed that morning was a tiny studio with a sheer curtain cutting off the bedroom from the kitchen / dining room area. I was high off mocha and so hyperactive, cracking jokes only I found funny with my friend, in a bid to get him to talk to me. Finally he commented on the see-through curtain and that was it, we instantly became friends.

 Danny was not Australian born, and like me is here for a short time (but wants to be here for at least 2 years like me). The next day we viewed another apartment together and went out for lunch and he experienced  his first cocktail. I liked his talkative but serious on-the-surface demeanour from the start. He was so smart, attractive and we seemed to have a lot in common. That first day we spent 10 hours together. There was not an awkward moment or even a silent one, and we laughed the entire time. 
This folks seems to be perfect and almost fairytale like. Isn’t this story so fluffy and cute? No. Danny was hiding an internal  secret struggle from me. It turns out, Danny was engaged and due to get married in the near future, but his fiance left him “for no  reason,” she didn’t say why she didn’t want to be with him anymore. They were meant to come to Australia together and to perhaps even get married here, she had the dress, the ring and everything. Danny was nursing a truly broken heart. 

We flirted like crazy almost every second of the day, and when we weren’t seeing each other, we were texting constantly. Fireworks happened when we celebrated him moving into his new flat with a lot of rum and wine: we ended sleeping together. 

After we would kiss or sleep together, a great phenomenon would occur: we would still spend a lot of time together, but not sleep together or make any physical contact, he would go into his man cave and get sad about his past relationship. He was hoping that she would change her mind and turn up in Australia, where they would live happy ever after. He was feeling a mixture of guilt and confusion over our relationship, telling me he didn’t want anything serious with me but at the same time he didn’t want to lose our growing friendship and closeness. We would agree to not do anything, then a few days later spend a few nights with each other and hump like rabbits. Then, he would pull away again, making himself busy and aloof but still talk to me everyday.

Danny is the most sweetest and one of the most kindest men I’ve ever met. He has helped me enormously and I have no idea where i would be without his endless kindness, thoughtfulness or undivided attention. To lose his friendship would be a true loss to me. Again, i have come to a crossroad: i am happy with what we are and what we are doing. but, how would i feel if he met another girl? If he left Australia early? I would be devestated. A good friend told me that I don’t deserve to put it on someone who doesn’t recriprocate the same feelings, she is completely right. I once told him that I would not let someone treat me in this way, so why should I create excuses for him just because he’s broken? 

Yesterday, I started pulling myself away from him. He noticed straight away and within two hours came round unannounced, and then I joined him for dinner in the evening where we spent many hours sharing intimate stories. To see him open up and be so raw and the hurt etched into his face breaks me, I just want to hold him and tell him everything is ok… right? 
Photo by @hiddenheartbreak

Life · relationships · Travel

The inevitable deadline

Tonight I’m in my pyjamas at 8 o’clock on a Friday night in a campervan on the East coast of Australia. I have left my life behind in England for the past couple of months to travel around New Zealand and Australia and then to find a job for 11 months, before returning home to my family and friends back at home. I feel free for the first time in my entire life. 

The guy on my mind tonight is a guy I’m going to refer to as “Harley,” due to his ownership of a Harley Davidson. I met Harley a day after going on a date with Blue (see previous post.) I wasn’t over-excited about this date with Harley, and when we met I didn’t get butterflies and there wasn’t an instant attraction. He was keen to meet again and I liked his consistency.  Anyway, to cut a long story short… I fell hard for Harley in the end. The thing is that on paper he is not what I envisioned in a partner. He had just separated from his wife and he was only a couple of inches taller than me (bye bye heels!) However, he was kind, open, honest and superior in bed. This man knew how to keep me on my toes… in a good way, without messing me about and seemed to have a high emotional intelligence, which is what I needed. 

What was sad was that I had only 6 weeks left in England, and he knew the down low from the very beginning. We agreed to just enjoy each other’s company until I left.  He had said that if I wasn’t leaving then I would have been his girlfriend (damn it timing!) but promised that we would remain friends and if we were still both single when I returned we would meet for a drink.

 When I left we spoke for a solid 6 weeks. I sent him a letter and a postcard and we spoke everyday. The sexual chemistry was still there and I was liking him more than ever. 

One bank holiday weekend in the U.K. he took his (female) friend away to the coast. I was so jealous and I thought they might have been getting together. The monster inside me raised its ugly head and we had various discussions about it. I know I had no right to be jealous or even concerned about it, but it did bother me and I didn’t like it. She seems like she has a hidden agenda. 

Now I came to a crossroads. Could I continue to talk to him, with the potential of meeting someone else and hurting his feelings? Or should we wait for each other? Or should we cut it off? I asked my grandma up in heaven for a sign and as I was driving on the highway my phone screen cracked in half! Right down the middle! The phone wasn’t hot and I hadn’t dropped it for months. I took this as a sign to cool things down. 

I messaged him yesterday for the first time after two weeks and even though he asked a lot of questions, it didn’t feel the same and it ended with him not even replying to what I said. We will see what the future holds! 

What will be, will be, right? 

relationships

The imminent disappearing act

The question on my mind today is: why do men stop talking suddenly, instead of being honest and saying they aren’t interested anymore?

I get bitter and angry when I don’t understand why the outcome of a dating scenario happened, whether it is ignoring me or the person I like doesn’t want to date me anymore, but with no explanation to why. I think there is a psychological reason behind why I take someone ignoring me so personally, and it does affect me way more than it should.

For instance, I was dating a guy for a while and it was going extremely well, which was surprising for me. He was really sweet and kind, with a few issues that I thought we could work through together.  I went on holiday to America for a month to see my family, we spoke often. However, about two weeks in, he started becoming distant, I felt the pull immediately and of course I started to worry. He even said that one of my “i can’t wait to see you” messages was too much, even though a week before he had sent me about 50 kisses? Okayyyyy. I was advised that I was being too needy and to give him space. Three weeks of my holiday passed and I confronted him on text, saying I knew that he didn’t feel the same anymore. He admitted he didn’t but had NO IDEA why, and said he would speak to me when I got home.

Fast forward a week, he was meant to take two days off work so I could spend it with him. I had to ask him whether I was still going to see him, he lied and said he was working. I later saw on Facebook that he had posted a picture of him at the gym. I deleted his ass off of Facebook.

When I got home, I messaged him that evening and again he said he didn’t feel the same but he genuinely still wanted to be friends. It’s been 10 months and I haven’t heard from him since.

I’ve seen on Instagram that he actually stopped seeing me for a girl he works with. He took her away instead of me for my birthday, and has been taking her away ever since. 10 months and I still feel myself having hatred towards him, wanting to know why he lied so much and why he couldn’t have just been honest. He made me feel like I did something wrong by just being me for those two last weeks of my holiday, and I resent him for it.
Would I have felt so much better to confront him early on when I found out he was seeing someone else? Or just left it because he wasn’t worth it?

Yesterday, I messaged a guy who I had spoken to for about three weeks before he did the disappearing act, wishing him a happy birthday. He saw the message but didn’t respond. Memories of the guy above came back and this morning I sent him a short sarcastic message about manners. Was it immature? Yes! Do I feel better for doing it? Hell yes! I am absolutely fed up of “leaving it” as it’s not worth it.

I spoke to my good guy friend to get his male perspectiv prior to this post. He said that everyone dates others at some point and they should let the person know. Also,  it is polite to send a message, calling it off with the person you’re dating. It’s what people deserve.

Do you retaliate after someone has ignored you or not followed through with something?

relationships

The Popper-Upper

I woke up angry with a headache and little amount of sleep. Last night a guy who I had been seeing before i left for travelling (we will name him Jack – short for Jack ass) rang me and proceeded to ask me to come round, throwing insults at me like a child when I wouldn’t give in. He then started calling me a liar, and when I asked him what I had lied about he kept saying that I knew what I had done so he’s not going to say.  It got so bad that I ended up hanging up on him. This morning he said sorry, but when I said it was unacceptable and asked him to sort it out, he ignored me and told me to have a good time travelling, so I told him to delete my number and I deleted his. Moron.

Let’s start from the beginning: I met Jack at a surprise fancy dress party. I was late and flustered because I had just broke it off with a guy about an hour before, who I had been casually seeing. I arrived after the birthday girl, dressed as Belle, but acting like Cinderella, after the clock had striked 12. Jack was the first person I saw as I dramatically entered the doors, pulling the double doors wide open and making them slam against the walls. He looked gorgeous: he was tall, he looked muscular… and he was wearing a mask. To cut a long story short, he must have liked me too, because we ended up chatting and kissing at the end of the night. He asked me out the next day and I said that i would see him if he texted me sober, I woke up to his text. 😊

Jack knew about my impending 6 weeks/ year trip from the get-go. At first he was hesistant to continue but then we started going on double dates with my friend and her boyfriend (he is her boyfriends’ best friend). We started getting closer and closer, but after we slept together for the first time I knew we weren’t compatible enough for each other. I had been out for a meal with his parents, out with him and his friends for his birthday, to his house on Christmas Day and his parents had bought me a lovely Christmas present, our relationship non- relationship was getting deeper, whilst my feelings of doubt were getting stronger.

After our goodbyes and farewells, I left to go travelling for six weeks. At first Jack was fine, we FaceTimed once and I would give him a day/few days account of what was happening. However, as time went on, around the four week mark in fact, he seemed disinterested. I decided to just message him when I was back, but when I was home he text with a “oh hey,” and then didn’t reply to my “I’m home!” message.

Five weeks went by with no communication (apart from one –  an array of emojis when he was drunk), when I got home from working abroad, I decided to message him, because I didn’t want to end it that way. Jack replied straight away with a positive answer, so I thought that everything was ok and we could be friends without the awkwardness if we had to meet again. Nevertheless, he started to text me when he was drunk, telling me to come over and I was “boring” for not wanting to see him. This went on for three weeks until last night.

I would love to know, what is his problem? Is he sour that I’m going away? Even jealous? I’ve actually been told that he has never really wanted to see a girl more than once before, so I’m wondering if it took him by surprise that he liked me and I’m going away, or is it the old cliche of you want what you can’t have?

Friendship · Life · relationships · Travel

The Stark Decision

For about two years now I have felt like I don’t really belong where I am. I had a good job and met some extraordinary people – but I was extremely over worked, under paid and the managerial system was in dissarray: I lasted 15 months.

I could be in a room with twenty people and I would feel so lonely. I didn’t seem to fit in anymore. I had completely lost myself in my last serious relationship and every failed encounter with the opposite sex seemed to feel like a sort of punishment, I took every rejection, no matter how small it was, to heart. I stopped loving myself and my body. This seeped into my relationships with other people and I became withdrawn, putting on a brave face when surrounded by others.

I was keen to get out of the country to get away from the normalcy of life, so myself and two good friends went travelling for six weeks. I came back and went abroad to work for four weeks, which seemed to ignite my spirit again, and friends and family commented on how I glowed. I still didn’t feel like it was enough. 

Before I had quit my main job, I met a girl who also worked there. We will name her Gutsy. She had something inside her that reflected me, almost like looking in the mirror. Now I believe in soulmates, and not just the person you are in love with or will spend the rest of your life with. I think soulmates are like guardian angels that are put on this Earth to look out for you and to be there for you no matter what. A person you instantly connect with, like you have met before in a different lifetime, and simultaneously becomes your friend.  True friends bring out the best in you, they inspire you to go above and beyond yourself. I am lucky in life to have a handful of friends with whom I can tell anything to, and Gutsy is one of them.

Gutsy was also itching for something more in life too, so the seed was planted to go and live in a different country for a year, on the other side of the world. I want to say it was hard to make a decision like that, but the fluidity of events that caused us to apply for visas and book it was so easy!!

Now, the spring in my step is back. I feel happier than I have been in months, and most importantly my intuition is telling me that this is the best thing to do for me.  I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m finding myself in the process. I am ready for a brand new adventure. 

Is it always this easy to make a life decision so outrageous and to some people, irresponsible?

And the answer to my question? Yes. The answer is always yes 😊 Go find yourself a Gutsy if you haven’t already found one, or do it alone if the universe tells you to, and do whatever the hell you want to do!

Life · Personal goals

The List

I make lists of absolutely everything: what I need to do for the week, what I need to pack, a calendar list in a notebook (forget the fancy diaries), shopping, bucket lists etc. 

The last couple of months I’ve been freaking out about my impending thirtieth, which is a mere 5.5 months away! My friend made a “30 before 30” list and seeing as I was an avid lister; I immediately jumped on board the bandwagon. Now, I’m going to share my list with my blog in an attempt to inspire people to do the same. It is so fun coming up with new ideas and goals in a certain time limit. 

1. Start learning a new language

2. Paint a canvas 

3. Ride a horse

4. Try indoor skiing 

5. Grow my nails 

6. Keep a steady journal of plans/thoughts

7. Meditate and yoga

8. Take a makaton class

9. Run/ squat often 

10. Volunteer 

11. Rent a campervan 

12. Read a book every month 

13. Knit a scarf 

14. Paddle board 

15. Write letters and postcards to family rather than use technology 

16. Practice affirmations 

17. Try a new sport 

18. Bake a cake 

19. Do something for charity 

20. Fix my tattoo

21. Win something in a competition 

22. Climb a tree 

23. Invest in good running shoes 

24. Try a new hobby 

25. Talk to a stranger

26. Do a random act of kindness 

27. Cook a meal for the family 

28. Ride a bike 

29. Take my sister on a day out 

30. Write a children’s book. 

Wish me luck! I will let you know if I manage to complete all items by my birthday. 

If anyone has any good sport/hobby suggestions please let me know 😊

Update: 5/4/17: I have completed 4/30 from the list: 18 – Bake a cake. 19 – Do something for charity. 22 – Climb a tree and 23 – Invest in some good running shoes. 

relationships

The Serendipitous Date

Something fricking miraculous happened after my rant about not being able to date yesterday: I went on one!

Let’s set the scene. Last night I had matched on tinder with a tall, dark hair guy, blue eyed boy, (we may call him Blue) he messaged me at 2am. I was asleep so Blue had to wait until this morning for my reply. Anyway, we got chatting on tinder this morning which resulted in us going on a date that same afternoon.

I have to admit, as I arrived at my destination and looked around, I had not even spoken to Blue on the phone at this point or not asked for further pictures, so he could may have been the fat, stocky man sitting on a bench devouring an icecream whilst eyeing up my dog suspiciously. The only other contact I had had was that he added me on Facebook (how did he know my last name!?) so all the little facts he had told me were confirmed on his Facebook page.

All in all it was a pleasant little date, Blue and I had lunch by the river and a nice stroll through the park. We are on the same page: both don’t want a relationship but want a companion to endure adventures with. We didn’t kiss on departure and when I thanked him for a lovely date he replied “you’re welcome” and didn’t suggest another. We chatted for a bit when I got home but I don’t think I’ll be seeing him any time soon. 

Although this tactic was a bit scary and I don’t know if I would recommend a “quickie date,” I broke the spell of the “no date no talk” era. 

I’m not complaining. I finally got my date after all 🙂

relationships

The Serial Doomsayer

It’s a Sunday night and I’m swiping away on my phone like the world is going to run out of guys any minute now. It might be a regular occurrence to the end of a weekend, except I’ve had a shit “man week” and I’m frustrated as hell with the opposite sex. My reason? I’ve had three different men on three different occasions cancel date plans with me this week alone!

The problem doesn’t lie when you first swipe, it’s AFTER you swipe. Picture the scenario: you’ve matched with a sexy man who is totally your type; loves his mum, wants kids, is tall, financially stable and knows what he wants in life. You start talking, there is definitely chemistry in the air and sparks fly when he gets your number. He clearly fancies you and wants to go out next week. You arrange to meet on Thursday, Thursday comes… and he cancels and/ or stops talking! If you haven’t stopped talking already… After the abundance of excuses and apologies, you decide to rearrange, but the sparks die and you slowly stop speaking to each other. What on Earth happened?!?

I have several theories behind this. Firstly: there are a carousel of girls available on an array of different platforms on the edge of a man’s fingertips, designed to filter out exactly what you don’t want in a person in a few pictures and a couple of sentences.

Don’t like her stroking a tiger? swipe left! Wonky incisor? Next! 5″3? Nope!

Don’t get me wrong: I am as fussy as the next girl. I like my men over 6 foot with dark hair/shaved head and full lips; of course everyone has an “average type.” Also, what they have typed in their bio might sway me off of the standard deviation too.

Secondly: men aren’t willing to work for a girl or put in any effort… even if it guarentees sex! That’s right folks! The thought of having to put in the time and money in wooing a girl you hardly know and may or may not like loses its appeal after a few days, like a cat chasing a mouse. There is always a kind of pattern with the guys who I stop talking to after a cancelled date. 

Let’s break it down a bit: Tinder talk – average talk before it turns to what’s app: 1 day. What’s app talk before date arrangements: 2 days. Date arrangements to no communication/cancelled date: 2 days. So on average it takes about 5 days for a guy to completely waste your time!

Thirdly, and I really really believe in this one: when you want something badly, no matter how much you act cool,  you come across as needy. This doesn’t mean I abundantly messaged them asking to meet up or expressed how much I liked them. In fact, I would act completely blasé at times to their existence, waiting on them to call/ message me. However, I was honest with them from the start and told them I didn’t want a relationship (I’m moving abroad for a year – more on that later) and I didn’t play any games, I replied whenever I saw that they messaged and instantly accepted an offer for a date if I fancied them.

This comes back round to my first paragraph. I think men subconsciously know that I’m not having a lucky “man streak” at the moment, so in the way I come across, however aware I am of myself and my actions, I come across needy. On the inside I have become this frustrated, bitter girl who just wants one freaking date with the opposite sex, and I just need to chill the F out and what comes will come – and I truly believe that. 🙂